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Frustrated with parking violations, I said jokingly:

Franchement, qu’est ce qu’ils n’ont pas compris dans « défense de stationner » ?! Je n’en peux vraiment plus, de ces conducteurs qui font fi de toutes les règles ! Si j'étais à même de coller des contraventions, ça rigolerait pas, moi je te le dis !

What I meant by this phrasing was that I would take a really tough stance and crack down hard on parking violations – so much so that there would be hell to pay for such violators!

I usually associate this expression with a positive context where you find yourself impressed by something, so I'm not sure if you can use it as a harsh word, albeit jokingly.

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    I think what strikes me most here is not seeing “ça rigole pas” used angrily, but rather seeing it used in the conditional. I realize that you're stating a present/future “Contrary-to-fact condition” (which usually would require the conditional w/a “si” clause in the imperfect, just as you did), but maybe if you expressed the possibility w/more certainty (with your “si” clause [or a less formal one] in the present), you could use the “futur proche” (which, to me, seems a bit more natural for this angry usage): “Si [jamais] chuis élu comme Tsar des PVs, ça va pas rigoler, moi je te le dis!”
    – Papa Poule
    May 6, 2017 at 18:06

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Ça rigolerait pas properly translates what you want to express. Parking enforcement would be taken seriously so violators would feel the pain.

That said, while a native French could have been the author of these sentences, note that different levels of languages are mixed in them:

Franchement, qu'est ce qu'ils n'ont pas compris… : standard spoken French

qui font fi de toutes les règles : formal/literary

Si j'étais à même… : formal/literary too

coller des contraventions : casual

ça rigolerait pas, moi je te le dis ! : colloquial

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  • Merci. Yes, mixed register, that is what I need to keep working on! The way you have laid out their varying registers, I almost feel like a master of mixed register, haha...
    – Con-gras-tue-les-chiens
    May 5, 2017 at 23:44
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    @Alone-zee To help you, here's a version in an informal register: « Putain, qu’est c'qu’y-z-ont pas compris dans « défense de stationner » ?! J’en peux vraiment plus, d'ces conducteurs qui se foutent de toutes les règles ! Si c'était moi qui collait les contraventions, ça rigolerait pas, moi j'te l'dis ! »
    – Gilles 'SO nous est hostile'
    May 6, 2017 at 18:45
  • @Gilles Merci. It's not always easy to keep the register consistent in spontaneous speech like this, as I usually use the first expression that instinctively springs to mind.
    – Con-gras-tue-les-chiens
    May 7, 2017 at 10:14
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    And here is a moderately still informal version: Franchement, qu’est ce qu’ils n’ont pas compris dans « défense de stationner » ?! J’en peux vraiment plus d'ces conducteurs qui s'fichent d'toutes les règles ! Si j'avais le droit de coller des contraventions, ça rigolerait pas, moi j'te l'dis !
    – jlliagre
    May 7, 2017 at 10:37

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