How to translate this very particular casual phrasing from English?

Question

Okay, I'm hoping you'll get what I'm talking about; it's very specific.

This is a thing many Americans do when speaking casually in a joking manner—we use the present indicative tense of a verb to suggest something happening in theory, something which would be somehow entertaining. In writing (often seen in instant message conversations), this sort of thing is usually in asterisks. It suggests an action. Example:

Joe: So then I say to the lady, "Where's my asparagus?"

Mickey: *slaps you*

So, for those who know what I mean, how is this done in French?

Also, I have NO idea how to tag this, so I'm picking a random tag—retag at will.

Answer 1

As said in comments, the chat usage of *asterisk description* is common in French, too. I have especially seen it on text-based roleplay, it is probably related to didascalies in theatre (couldn't find a translation), since they have the same role and asterisks are the markdown-equivalent to italics.

As for the oral form, I don't think that there is a direct equivalent, but for your particular example, you could say

Jo : Alors j'ai demandé à cette fille, « Où est mon asperge »
Michou : Deux claques

the deux claques, said on a particularly blank tone being equivalent to your *slap you*.

In some cases you could also describe your action at the first person

Joe: Aw, come on, let's burn this cute animal¹
Mickey: *run away*

Jo : Allez, viens, on brûle cette petite chose mignonne
Michou : Bon, je m'enfuis

I have no precise rule for this, though.

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_{1. No cute animals were harmed to write this answer.}